If you want to be happy – don’t seek happiness – at least not for yourself

Happiness is all the rage, and why not, we all want to be happy. I love what the brilliant German playwright and philosopher, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe said in his epic poem, Faust, “Only in the present is our happiness.” If you think about it, this makes sense. After all, we only exist in the present moment. We do not live in the past or in the future, but only in the present. If we are going to be happy, then we must be happy now. Unfortunately, we often allow our regrets and guilt about the past or our worries and fears about the future to rob the present moment of happiness. When we do come back to the present it is usually to feel inadequate and dissatisfied.

I have known too many people who procrastinate the day of their happiness. They imagine to themselves that they will be happy when they finally graduate from school, or when they get that great job, or when they finally get married, or sometimes, divorced, or they will finally be happy when they own their dream home, or have a new car. The conditions for future happiness are infinite, and they will never be satisfied. Happiness is something we experience in the present moment or not at all. “Dare to be happy,” as Goethe challenged his nineteenth century compatriots. Yet, how do we “dare to be happy,” or how do we choose to be happy right now?

One problem is it is difficult to identify exactly what happiness is. Of course, there are many different conceptions of the meaning of happiness. Essentially happiness does seem to be a subjective state in which we experience wellbeing. What exactly this wellbeing might be, however, is often debated. Some identify it with pleasure (hedonists and utilitarians). Others believe it is the absence of desire (Eastern philosophies). And there are those who say it is a state of character (Aristotle). Most likely, they are all right in their own way and from their particular perspective.

Two of my favorite definitions of happiness are as follows. The first I found in Herman Melville’s Moby Dick:

But even so, amid the tornadoed Atlantic of my being, do I myself still for ever centrally disport in mute calm; and while ponderous planets of unwaning woe revolve round me, deep down and deep inland there I still bathe me in eternal mildness of joy.

It’s that last phrase that speaks to me – the eternal mildness of joy. Melville was expressing that such calm joy can be experienced deep within us, even when surrounded by turbulent adversity. That seems to me to be a perfect statement of happiness. The second is my own creation. I have come to appreciate and understand happiness as the confident expectation in the goodness of the present moment.

I should make you aware of two more key aspects of happiness. Both could be considered paradoxes. They are:                                    

The Hedonic Paradox: You can’t directly choose happiness. The British philosopher, John Stuart Mill in his autobiography said,

I never wavered in the conviction that happiness is the test of all rules of conduct and the end of life. But I now thought that this end was only to be attained by not making it the direct end. Those only are happy who have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness; on the happiness of others, or on the improvement of mankind…. Aiming thus on something else, they find happiness by the way.

Mm, now I’m getting closer to where I want to end up, given the title of this post, but not just yet.

The Happiness Paradox: Most people report happiness with their life as a whole (what we might call “life assessment”), but experience dissatisfaction in the present moment (what we might call “emotional wellbeing”). A famous study in 2010 by Daniel Kahneman and Angus Deaton discovered the above two different measures of wellbeing or happiness. The first they called life evaluation or assessment of one’s life as a whole, and the second they called an everyday emotional wellbeing, where one has more positive emotional states than negative states throughout the day. They discovered that the more money a person has increases his or her life assessment indefinitely, but after a certain income level (they pegged it at $75000) an increase in pay will show little affect on one’s daily emotional wellbeing.

I guess the key question to ask is where does a person live their life, in the daily moments of life or in the abstraction of their life assessment? If a person is wealthy then it makes sense that as they look over their life they assume it most be a good life, yet in each moment they discover money doesn’t necessarily lead to authentic relationships to self, others, community, or world. Most people, I believe, are interested in the cultivation of happiness in the present moment, or at least in addition to leading, over all, a pleasant quality of life, each of us also desires the eternal mildness of joy in our daily emotional states.

There is a great story about Diogenes the Cynic and Alexander the Great that illustrates another dimension to this question of happiness. According to ancient legend, in 336 B.C.E. Alexander comes to visit Diogenes in Corinth. Alexander finds Diogenes lying naked in a discarded barrel in the street. You see, Diogenes had complete disregard for external goods such as honor, wealth, or reputation and chose instead to live according to the dictates of his own whims. It was said he was truly happy and content. Standing over him, Alexander asks Diogenes if he could do anything for him; grant him any favor he might choose. This might be like if the richest, most powerful person in the world were to come up to you and offer to give you anything you wanted. What would you ask for?

            Well Diogenes, without even looking up at Alexander, simply said, “Yes, you could move out of the way, you’re blocking the sun.” One legend states that the men around Alexander were so infuriated at Diogenes insolence towards their powerful king that they wanted to kill Diogenes, but Alexander stopped them. Then he famously said, “If I were not Alexander, I would be Diogenes!” When I ask my students what Alexander might have meant, they point out that Alexander recognized how truly happy Diogenes was, compared to himself. While Alexander possessed great power, wealth, and reputation, he wasn’t really happy. Alexander’s great wealth and power could not bring him the happiness and contentment of Diogenes genuine independence.

I guess one way to look at this story is to say that one way to be truly happy is to be completely, and I do mean totally, independent from others, living a solitary and self-sufficient life, without any obligations that arise from family, work, or community relationships. Do any of us desire to live such a life? For many it is too late as we find ourselves already embedded in relationships of family, or friendship, or work. We have to find happiness in ourselves, in the present moment, while embedded within these important relationships. But how?

In some sense, our lives are but a sequence of moments, of present moments. The quality of our lives will depend upon the quality of those moments – how we choose to be in those moments, and how we choose to respond to what occurs in those moments. Will we choose to determine the quality of that moment for ourselves, or will we allow the moment to determine us? Diogenes could determine the moment for himself because he could care less for anybody else, but what if we do care about others, our relationships, and how other people feel? How do we determine the moment and not be determined by it, no matter how difficult or pleasant, and experience happiness?

            I find the wisest counsel in the words of an 8^th-century Buddhist scholar, Shantideva, who said:

All those who suffer in the world do so because of their desire for their own happiness. All those happy in the world are so because of their desire for the happiness of others.

Wow, that’s cool! I have found this to be true. When I focus on my own happiness, it eludes me. The harder I concentrate on it, the more it recedes from my grasp. Yet when I focus on others, not trying to make them happy, that would be tragic and impossible, but when I concentrate on giving others what I desire for myself; namely, respect and kindness, I discover happiness and joy in the present moment. Funny, when I seek it, it is not there. When I don’t seek it, but instead focus on serving others in the present moment, it appears. So if you want to experience happiness in the present moment, to determine for yourself what the present moment will be, don’t seek happiness for yourself, but seek to help and serve others, and your own happiness will arise without effort. Of course, don’t take my word for it, or even Shantideva, instead try it for yourself. Let’s go and do it today!